Bringing to Light

If I could sum everything up to live in a moment of freedom, I would say, “do it.” Do it. Even if it means sitting in a moment of despair find the silver lining.

Today my silver lining is growth. And the sharing of growth. The documentation of the ups and down of self recovery.

I thought today about the blunders of not feeling good enough. Not good enough for someone else. I am proud today to say to myself, “Sure. We are not in the same spot, and he has made a beautiful name and life for himself. And where I may not be at his “level” yet, or maybe never will be according to timing or whatever comparison sounds the healthiest, I am doing my better. And that is what is amazing. With what has been given to me, I am doing my personal best.” And to me that outshines the comparison.

Yesterday was a full blown anxiety attack. That self-demeaning terrifying “I can’t do anything” pulsating and screaming through any chance of even getting ready that day.

“How am I supposed to talk to people? Or drive? How am I supposed to do anything worldly when my most powerful tool has taken a trip to personal hell?”

It hurt, god dammit. It fucking hurt me. It made me feel like a paralyzed fetus. (Not to offend any paralyzed fetuses out there) It made my eye movement shifty and my perception of safety was nonexistent. As if I’d slipped into a night terror in my waking life.

“What could be so bad?” I would ask myself. In a very demeaning sort of way. It wasn’t as if my life was in danger. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have everything I needed. So what was this? An old brain pattern returning for another hurrah? I couldn’t even speak. I couldn’t formulate a sentence. And how disappointing that I should work so hard to have this creep up unannounced. I had a life to live. I had people, including myself, to cheer up. I had things to learn! Music to appreciate. Things to write, I didn’t have time to spend a couple hours, or perhaps the rest of my life, in this choke hold.

One thing I remember hearing in therapy is that these brain patterns don’t ever really leave us. And where that isn’t exactly a comforting thing to hear in therapy, the second part of that is that these downward spirals eventually start to diminish. They are fewer and far between. They last for shorter amounts of time. And as a human that highly believes in the power of therapy (the right personal kind for your character) I back this up 100%. I still have moments where I don’t believe any of that. and that this time its going to last forever, but alas, here I am sipping a joyous cup of coffee at 7 am at a beautiful outdoor café making silly anecdotes to friends and feeling like a fucking harmony. Ups and downs have been rampaging in my current life but it is a hell of a lot better than a steady flow of down.

Sometimes it takes an extreme jolt to wake you up to the idea that life can be happier and brighter and more meaningful. Sometimes it takes a heavy portion of your life to sit in and wait for a shiny opportunity. But like a dear friend of mine once said to me and a group, opportunities are everywhere and they are endless. There can never be one missed, only another one to take a moment later. We must embrace all of these opportunities. And that is what I am proudly taking these down moments to be. Opportunities. And though they may cause a harsh shift in my body I am going to get up again and work it out. So that the far between moments can be experienced fully and appreciated for what they are. Earned and endless.