and i cannot just say it. i cannot just have you hear it. I beg with the pull from my heart. as if it truly
could pull with light that shines from it.
and can you see it?
can you feel it?
I cannot have you just read the words. I cannot let it only go that far. I want you to feel defeated in my arms so that you can shed your regrets. so that you can unleash that that leaves you empty and weak.
I want you to cry. unashamed, my hand on your face. I want you to let go.
And that's what it feels like to need it as well.
and to be unaware of who to trust in these fragile moments keeps us alone.
all that you are and are made of capable of afraid of it begs to be seen.
with its whole heart.
with your whole heart.
Depression, I believe is that emptiness.
That defeat, with no where or no one to help shed it.
these cuts on our hearts, they quiver. they leave us in pain.
I believe some people are able to cover this up. But I refuse to believe that not everyone has it deep within them.
I believe that sensitive people desperately need it touched and held.
I believe that when you do not receive it in a time it is acceptable (growing up, be that physically and emotionally held) and by acceptable I mean that you cannot pass age 10 break down and cry and hit and scream and verbally hate, so you cannot be held in a loving matter for an "uncomfortable" amount of time.
That is why I also believe in the importance of hugs. and not in the manner of hugs and unicorns and Tinky fucking Winky, I mean truly held as an important child of the universe and being safely vulnerable.
When did that become unacceptable? If you are able to come out on the other side of shame and exposure, truly you can see how delusional the belief that you must hide yourself, truly is.
We don't all need hugs, either. Some of us got plenty of that, but just think if you hadn't? what an odd woman I must sound like.
Duh you might say. Hug your children when you have them. I know you will.
But what about the people who weren't? Think about someone you would consider an unfit mother. You got her? Yeah, just think of how she must have been treated when she was just small. And the pattern continues, forever and ever, until the spell is broken, by being seen and taken care of. and to some, that day may never come. and those are the mother fuckers you gotta look out for.
Maybe there is something to say about past lives and energy carrying on to the next. now this is all Chad theory (not as in I'm the first to think of all this, just that its a maybe in my mind.)
But would that make sense? generations after generations of lack of parental love and guidance, turning these little humans into the same beasts in their adult lives? It seems to me, in order to have this spell broken, you have to face that shit. if you have to feel vulnerable and talk about it. you have to be truly seen. and to seek that out and find is hard to do. because here in our culture it isn't the norm. Isn't that strange now that you think of it?
Because I drown so far in delusions and depression that I don't want something so sweet to be tainted by that which taints me. because i haven't quite broken the spell.And for me, in my life, I am scared to have a child because of these things.
and for this i have to be okay with it.
I see my peers growing and learning and I see them bearing children and it breaks my heart. I feel mine is still buried too deep.
I am proud to understand this, and I am thankful that my life circumstances have not yet presented me with a the gift of a child. Certainly by the biology and the act of creation I could have been by now. Whether that be by luck, fate, coincidence, or even infertility I am thankful, and not that if something had happened by now I wouldn't be thankful then too, my thankfulness comes to knowing and understanding these things better and knowing that i have the capacity to do so. I believe that in what ever path things could have taken I know that I would learn these things.
