Oh I am at a loss in this world that we live and breathe and breed and boast. I am torn between believing and deceiving and being altogether at ease, (soldier.)
Balance of all these things would be so grand, if only I would open these brown eyes. And when I say open, I mean use them for looking, instead of hiding behind them. Putting up the drywall for my thoughts to marinate and then be useless. How many times must you be slapped in the face before you are awake? You're in a coma really.
And a rambling I went.
I have spent too much time in the dark, no matter what the time of day. I feel I have been questioning my every move and always want to say that there are deeper meanings, instead of just true meanings. True meanings to uncover. Or on the other hand, not to uncover, to allow in. A realization at it's utmost. And then I literally asked myself, "did I really just discover the meaning of life? To just allow things to happen as they flourish?" And what I mean by that is, not that you as a viewer cannot read and have your own input, is that when you're busy as hell, always trying to get something done, always trying to figure out why you had to go through something, you are just wasting time. And it is present each and everyday until you block it out. And we all go through it. It can be as meek as waiting too long at the drive thru, finally getting your crispy chicken deluxe, get tomatoes on it, though you specifically asked them nicely to remove the god forsaken useless vegetable, dump half of it onto your brand new shirt that you had to search high and low for and with that, your life is ruined. Just absolutely in shambles. And if only you were better taken care of as a child you could accomplish the littlest task with the greatest of ease. If only. "If only" isn't going to happen, hombre. If only is the idea that you can go back in time and change it. Unless you're Marty McFly you are shit out of luck. If only states that you could change if you weren't already stuck in a definitive path. Paths get rerouted everyday. You have the shovel and pavement to reroute your own.
There is a twist on this whole scenario, however. Everything that I have just typed up is clarity for my own sweet and disturbing life. It is something I wish I could just wake up knowing everyday. A realization only takes place when you haven't been living it. And with that, the drywall comes crumbling down and I am overjoyed. I must practice what I preach. It is only possible to change yourself, once you have innocently experienced the holes in the earth. The fears of what dark doesn't uncover. The disapointment of a so-called hero's true intentions. Because after you are exposed, you become aware. And when you become aware, you have all the power in the world. You dream for a purpose. Not just to get away.
If one could nurture their younger self, we would be cleansed and caring and oh so understanding of the strength possessed yet buried so deep. I can only hope when I have a child that I would do everything in my power, sought out through the dangers of regret to make that happen for this new to me, yet already existing in a dream, little mind. This new chance to give away the secrets I have learned by locking myself in a room, curling up into a ball and praying to nothing, to feel something. Isn't that what we wanted all along as mothers? Isn't that why we are humans in the first place? Are minds are far too developed to be animals. And that almost makes it harder. Animals have instinct. We have constant change and circumstance. Animals do not have to think about religion and money, and in saying so, that is obvious, but not an often thought that comes upon me. We are given options, and would like to say that we didn't know that it would hurt. We didn't know that it would be so hard to raise, to give life, to show the way. And because of that, we blame. We blame so hard that it hurts. Well if I may go back to the first thought, is it impossible to have balance? Do we really need answers? Or can we just take it all in and be thankful, yet careful. Prideful yet insecure? Happy, yet questionably so? I think so. And I hope for all that I'm worth that I experience more in my life then I block it out.
We will never have a religion, except to accept. Except to accept. I truly believe if anybody could be missing one quality, one quality, as if any human could be missing a quality, we were all born differently, but if we could be forgetting one trait to shine forth before all others, it would be acceptance. To ourselves, and to others. Don't believe that a god, an entity, a figured out structure, has got it set up for you. Believe in the unexplainable. Believe in a reason to be, because nobody has got it figured out. If you tell yourself something enough, and if you hear something enough, your brain has no choice but to believe it. And to be quite boastful myself, I think that it is tremendous to believe that. I am proud to believe, without traveling, without experiencing enough of outside occurrences, that I would know that. I would know this to be true.
But I can't describe a feeling, some might think too good to be true. Some being myself.
My life is a run-on sentence. And I'm not ashamed to not be the slightest bit disturbed by my dialogue errors.
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